


You break his heart, I break your legs

by Super_Secret_Slash_Agent



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: BAMF Phil Coulson, Bruce is akward, Clint Feels, Clint Needs a Hug, Except Tony, Insecurity, Jarvis Is A Bro, M/M, SHIELD Husbands, Secret Marriage, Thor doen't understand Midgardian colloquialisms, everyone is kind of a dick, they aren't dicks on purpose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 21:29:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Super_Secret_Slash_Agent/pseuds/Super_Secret_Slash_Agent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint and Phil are married, but it's highly classified. Tony finds them kissing and thinks they are dating. He tells all the Avengers, plus Pepper, and they all give Clint the talk. Clint starts feeling insecure and Phil gets mad and totally glares everyone into apologizing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You break his heart, I break your legs

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Oh how I wish that I did

Tony smiled as he looked down on his handy work; the arrow was sleek and beautiful. He had finally gotten the balance and release mechanism right on the tranq arrow and Tony was confident the finished product could take down the Hulk even though Clint probably didn’t need to do that, Hulk liked Cupid. Tony was sure it was because the archer refused to be afraid of the big guy and had even asked to ride on his shoulders in one memorable fight. 

Tony brought himself out of his thoughts and grabbed the arrow before heading off the find Clint and have him test the arrow. “JARVIS, where is Katniss hiding?” 

JARVIS hummed and answered back in a tone suggesting he disapproved of the nickname, “Agent Barton is currently in the common floor living room with Agent Coulson.” 

Tony frowned, “You didn’t tell me Agent was here.” 

JARVIS replied quickly, “Sir, Agent Coulson did not wish me to disturb you as he is here for a private meeting with Agent Barton.” 

Tony’s eyebrow went up as he entered the elevator, “Private meeting huh?” 

As the elevator slowed to a stop JARVIS remarked, “Sir, I think it is unwise to interrupt Agents Barton and Coulson at this time.” Tony waved a dismissive hand in the direction of the elevators camera as he exited and walked the short hall to the living room. He stopped abruptly in the doorway, not expecting the sight of the two SHIELD agents making out on the couch like teenagers. Tony’s mouth dropped open and he shouted, “OH MY GOD!” Clint and Phil’s heads turned to look at Tony, neither man seemed phased by Tony’s outburst. 

The room was silent before Phil cleared his throat, “Did you need something Stark?” 

Tony shook his head, “No, no. Carry on. Legolas, you better be good to Agent, he deals with paper work and I hate paperwork.” His words were light but his tone serious, Tony had missed the suit wearing agent when they had thought he was dead. Before Clint or Phil could reply, Tony turned and left the room, missing the glint of metal on Phil’s left hand that had been draped over the back of the couch. 

Tony smiled as he headed back to the elevator, “JARVIS, can you send the video of that make out session to everyone’s tablets? Thanks.” 

JARVIS hesitated before replying, “Sir I do not think that is wise…” 

Tony cut his AI off as he returned to his workshop floor, “Nonsense, I can’t be the only one that knows, we deserve to see a little romance in progress, even if it is Coulson and Barton… man I can dig out a bunch of cool Cupid jokes now.” 

JARVIS whirred mechanically in what Tony could only describe as a sigh before stating, “The video has been sent to the Avengers’ tablets as well as Ms. Potts’.” 

Tony scowls at the AI’s obvious disapproval of the action before bring out his Stark phone and conference calling the Avengers, and Pepper. There was a chorus of annoyed ‘hellos’ before Tony spoke, the excitement evident in his voice, “Did you all get the video I sent?” 

Tony listened to the shuffling from the others for a moment before Pepper’s voice came over the line, “Tony, it’s nice that you are happy for them, but you shouldn’t get involved with their personal business. I’m pretty sure we’ve had this conversation before.” 

Tony huffed, “I just thought I’d give them a hand, get the big reveal over with.” 

Bruce sighed, “Thank you for letting me know.” and hung up. 

Thor crowed into his phone, “It is a glorious occasion that the Son of Coul and the Hawk-eyed one now share a warrior bond. We must feast in celebration; I must go in search of appropriate sustenance.” 

Thor left the call as Steve sighed, “Tony, it wasn’t your place to tell everyone and as soon as I talk with them, I’m having a talk with you about respecting the personal boundaries of your team members.” 

Natasha simply growled, “Stark get off the phone and get your own life.” Tony bit back an unmanly yelp and hung up, leaving Pepper and Natasha on the line. 

After a moment of silence Pepper spoke up, “Natasha, tell me I wasn’t the only one who found that video extremely hot.” 

Pepper could almost hear the non-existent smile in Natasha’s reply, “Trust me, you weren’t the only one.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Steve hesitates at Clint’s door, unsure if it would be a good time to talk to the archer. Before Steve can raise his hand to knock, the door opens and Clint calls out, “Come on in Cap.” Steve is startled for a moment before he realizes JARVIS probably alerted Clint to his presence. Steve walks into the room, unsurprised by the sparse nature of the living quarters; Clint hadn’t struck him as overly concerned with personal possessions. After all, when he moved into the Tower he showed up with only the clothes on his back, his field uniform and his bow. Steve shook himself out of his thoughts and turned to see Clint and Phil lounging on the bed and a movie paused on the screen on the wall. 

Steve cleared his throat and addressed the two men, “Clint. Agent Coulson.” 

Phil’s lips curved in a small smile, “Please Captain, call me Phil.” 

Steve smiled back, “Only if you call me Steve.” Phil nodded before Steve continued, blushing slightly, “It was recently brought to my attention that the two of you are in a relationship.” 

Clint chuckled, “Tony sent you the video of us kissing didn’t he?” In answer, Steve blushed bright red, causing Clint to laugh and a soft chuckle even slipped out of Phil’s mouth. 

Steve took a moment to collect himself and continued on, “I wanted to first say that I’m glad the two of you have each other. I also want to make sure this won’t cause any problems.” At Clint and Phil’s confused looks, Steve clarified, “If anything happens in the relationship, I would like to think you would be professional and not let it affect the team.” Steve turned to look at Clint, “We only recently got Agent Co… Phil, back and we don’t want to lose him again.” 

Clint and Phil exchanged a look that seemed to hold an entire conversation before they turned back to Steve. Clint looked slightly amused as he said, “Don’t worry Cap, we know what we are doing, we have a pretty solid relationship.” Clint’s hand moved to his collar to tug at the chain around his neck when Phil stopped his hand and gave him his Agent Coulson face. Steve simply nodded and left the room. When the door closed Clint turned to Phil, “I think I just got the shovel talk, Captain America style.” 

Phil reached over and pulled the chain Clint had been playing with out of his shirt and lightly caressed the ring at the end of it with a smile, “You don’t have to worry about that, he’s still a little shaken up over my supposed death.” 

Clint frowned, his head leaning down to lay on Phil’s shoulder, “He’s not the only one.” 

Phil mirrored the expression before pressing a kiss into the younger man’s hair, “I’m here, and alive, just remember that.” 

Clint smiled, “I know.” 

Phil returned the smile, “JARVIS, continue the movie please.” The two men watched as the young redhead made three bulls eyes, splitting an arrow on the third. Phil chuckled, “How did you manage to convince me to watch this again?” 

Clint pouted slightly, “Brave is a good movie!” 

Phil shook his head, “You just like the archery.” 

Clint turned his face to Phil, “If I remember correctly, you think the little brothers are adorable.” 

Phil mock scowled, “If that gets out it will ruin my reputation with the junior agents.” 

Clint gasped in pretend horror, “They may even figure out that you are actually human!” Phil laughed and pressed a chaste kiss to Clint’s lips before lying back to enjoy the movie.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Clint was utterly unsurprised when Pepper cornered him in the range the next day. The fiery redhead looked him in the eye and plainly stated, “Phil is my best friend, if you hurt him I won’t hesitate to make Tony ruin your life in any way that is electronically possible.” Clint nodded and watched as she turned and left. He had actually thought she was being pretty mild, Phil was her best friend after all; he imagined Natasha would give a similar speech to Phil at some point, although it was bound to include more knives.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thor came to Clint after a particularly rough battle with some Doombots that had Phil in the office with paperwork, hours after the fight had concluded and Clint had been released from medical for the minor shrapnel wound to his right arm caused be a Doombot exploding a little closer than strictly necessary. 

Thor smacked Clint on the shoulder, making the shorter man wince internally. The god’s voice boomed out, “Friend Clint, I have heard of the joyous bond between you and the Son of Coul. I wish to congratulate you on the happiness you have found. Son of Coul deserves such happiness after the pain my brother caused him, I implore you to treat him well or I shall be most upset.” 

Clint is slightly surprised by the force of emotion behind Thor’s words, “I would never…” 

Thor cuts Clint off before he can finish the sentence, “You say you will not, but I have heard great tales from your shield brethren that tell of what you Midgardians call a reputation. I believe they described you as ‘love-em-an-leave-em’. I know not what that means but I assure you, Eye of Hawk, the mighty Son of Coul shall not fall to such affliction.” Without another word Thor turned and left, leaving Clint confused and hurt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Clint was cooking while Phil watched when Bruce came in. the scientists rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before he spoke, “Um, so I guess you guys know Tony kind of outed you guys to everyone.” 

Bruce gave an apologetic smile and Phil shook his head, “It’s alright, we wanted to get clearance to tell you but senior agents relationship statuses are highly classified, I’m sure you can understand why.” 

Bruce nodded, “I get it. I wanted to say, congrats I guess. I can see you make each other happy and I hope this works out between you.” Bruce’s eyes met Clint’s as he finished talking and looked up for the first time since he entered the room. Clint gave a half-hearted smile that seemed to satisfy Bruce, who promptly left. 

Phil noticed the look on Clint’s face and moved forward to wrap his arms around Clint, “What’s wrong?” 

Clint shook his head, “It’s nothing. Why don’t you take this and eat some while I finish up here.” Clint handed Phil a plate and the older man said nothing about the obvious subject change. 

Phil looked down at the plate and smiled, “Plantain chips, arepas and aijaco… got a little inspiration from the op in Bogota last week?” 

Clint smiled, “You know how much I like the food and I know for a fact you would marry the coffee if you could.” 

Phil gave a small laugh and leaned in to whisper in Clint’s ear, “Why would I do that when I have a wonderful husband that makes it for me?” Clint laughed, not allowing the doubt Phil couldn’t see on his face, show in the happy noise.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Clint felt completely blindsided as he watched Natasha leave the gym. They had been sparring when she had simply said, “Be careful with him, I do not wish to be left to pick up the pieces when things go bad.” She had then taken his momentary surprise at her words to knock him flat on his back before growing bored and leaving to find something more exciting to do. 

Clint sat on the mat, arguing with himself. He knew that Natasha didn’t mean to imply anything about his relationship but he couldn’t shake the feeling that she had and she was right. If even Natasha was looking out for him hurting Phil, was it possible that he already was and didn’t know it? Did Phil feel trapped in their marriage? Was he a good husband to Phil? Clint sat there for hours as he went over things in his head, second guessing his confidence and security in his relationship. 

Eventually Clint managed to get to his and Phil’s shared floor and climbed into bed with Phil, who had been reading. At the first look at Clint’s state, Phil put the book down and gathered the archer in his arms, “What’s wrong, and don’t change the subject this time?” 

Clint sighed before stumbling over his words, “Do you… am I… are you happy?” 

Phil was surprised by the question, “Of course I am.” 

Clint nodded into his chest, “I’m not a bad husband am I?” 

Phil was even more startled by the second question, “There is no way you could be a bad husband.” 

Clint grumbled for a second, “Then why does everyone think I’ll end up hurting you? I don’t do I?” 

Phil frowned, “You don’t. Who said that about you?” 

Clint burrowed deeper into Phil’s embrace, “They all did. They didn’t come out and say it but they all told me in one way or another not to hurt you. Even Tasha said it.” Phil’s brow creased in worry, he could tell it was really Natasha’s reaction that bothered him, she was Clint’s best friend. Before Phil can voice his opinion, Clint rushes on, “They didn’t mean it, I know they didn’t. They couldn’t have. I just can’t get it out of my head that you deserve better than some ex-circus performer with a sketchy past and good aim.” 

Phil grabbed Clint’s face and turned it so their eyes were locked, “Clint, you are so much more than that. I don’t want anyone other than you, no matter what you used to be or where you come from. I love you and you never have or will, do anything to change that.” 

Clint smiled softly, “Sorry about this, my brain just wouldn’t let it go.” 

Phil lay down, allowing Clint to move closer to him, “It’s alright, I know how you get about things like this, just remember, I’m not going anywhere.” Clint sighed and drifted off to sleep, leaving the room in silence. As soon as Phil was sure he wouldn’t wake Clint he called out, “JARVIS, can you let the team know I wish to speak to them in the morning?” 

JARVIS responded after a moment, “They have been informed. I also took the liberty to include Ms. Potts as I’m sure she would wish to be present. And may I say Agent Coulson, congratulations on your marriage to Agent Barton.” 

Phil smiled, “Thank you JARVIS, how long have you known?” 

JARVIS replied happily, “Since you moved in, Sir has programed me to be observant.” 

Phil shook his head, wondering how an AI could tell they were married but the people they lived with couldn’t, “Thank you for not saying anything JARVIS.” 

JARVIS whirred contentedly, “It was not my place, but thank you for the appreciation. Please convey my well wishes to Agent Barton.” Phil nodded and reached his arms around Clint and allowed himself to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Phil sipped is coffee as members of the team trickled into the kitchen in various states of awareness. Natasha is the first to enter, looking fresh as a daisy, if a daisy could kill you five different ways with its pinky finger. She shoots Phil a questioning look and sits down and pulls out a knife to begin sharpening. 

Tony comes in next, haggard and exhausted, the man probably hadn’t even gone to sleep. Tony makes himself a cup of coffee before sitting down as far away from Natasha and her deadly looking knives as the table will let him. 

Steve and Pepper enter together, ending a quiet conversation. Both are well put together and look like they had a good night sleep. Pepper sits next to Tony and quietly asks him if he slept, while Steve takes the open seat across from Natasha. 

Bruce is the next to enter, looking almost as bad as Tony, but not quite. He probably slept for a few hours on his lab table. Bruce sits next to Steve as Thor ambles in, looking alert and clutching Mjolnir. Thor sits at the head of the table between Natasha and Steve and speaks loudly, causing Tony and Bruce to cringe slightly, “Son of Coul, what new have you come bearing, and where is friend Clint?” 

Tony looks up, noticing that Clint isn’t there, “Where is bird brain? You two break up or something?” 

Phil sighs, “No Stark, in fact we are doing quite well. I would like to know, however, why that is any of your business.” 

Natasha’s eyes narrow at the pointed tone but Tony doesn’t seem to notice, “You live here, kind of makes it my business.” 

Pepper shoots him a disapproving glare as Phil begins again, “Well Mr. Stark, if that I the case, perhaps you should get all the information before causing a series of events that have hurt a member of your team.” 

Steve looks confused, “I apologize Agent Coulson, what do you mean?” 

Phil glares at the table a moment, causing even Natasha to shrink under his gaze, “I mean that the insistence of each one of you to inform Agent Barton that he isn’t good enough for me has caused me a lot of unneeded stress. Agent Barton, due to events in his past, is not confident in any relationship he forms. Your comments, though not meant to hurt, have surfaced the old insecurities. He hasn’t been this bad since before I proposed to him, and even then it took a lot of convincing that I was serious.” 

Tony’s mouth drops open, “You and Robin Hood are engaged!?!” 

JARVIS takes the opportunity to jump in, “Agents Barton and Coulson will be celebrating their fifth wedding anniversary in two months’ time.” 

Tony looks in the direction of one of his many cameras in shock, “JARVIS, you knew!?!” JARVIS beeped in what Tony took as affirmation, “Agent, you are turning my AI into Skynet!” 

JARVIS emitted an electronic sort of huff and replied indignantly, “Sir, with my capabilities, I would be far more efficient than Skynet.” 

Phil bit back a smile at JARVIS’ words, “Thank you for that JARVIS.” Phil’s eyes met with Natasha’s guarded ones and he allowed a little emotion to show in his, “I’m sorry we haven’t told you before now but senior agents marital status is highly classified, only AD Hill and Director Fury have clearance to know and they were both at the wedding. Fury officiated and Hill was our witness. There are no electronic or paper copies with the information, there is only the original marriage certificate which is highly secured.” 

Natasha scowled, “You could have told me.” 

Phil sighed, “I’m sorry we didn’t, we have been trying to get all of you clearance though.” If Natasha was surprised by the apology she didn’t let it show, instead she simply nodded in acceptance. 

Thor broke the silence that had settled over the table, “I am deeply sorry that my words have caused my shield brother pain, I knew not that they would. I shall venture forth and battle the great Hafgufa and return with its head as penance.” 

Phil shook his head, “No need to go that far Thor.” 

Bruce took the opportunity to speak, “I didn’t mean anything by it, I hope he knows that.” 

Phil looked at the man a moment, “He does, he just doesn’t know how to not take a person’s comments to heart.” Bruce nodded silently as Phil continued, “I hope you all know that Clint has already forgiven you but it might do all of you good to find a way to make it up to him.” 

Phil turned and left the room, intent on going to join his husband for a morning shower but Pepper caught up to him half way down the hall. The CEO looked very apologetic, “Please let Clint know I’m sorry.” 

Phil smiled, “”In all honesty, Clint was actually expecting it from you. He knows how close the two of us are and I think he would have been disappointed if you hadn’t said anything.” 

Pepper smiled, “If it’s all the same, I’m having Tony do something extra nice for the two of you.” 

Phil nodded, “Thank you, now if you excuse me, I need to shower with my husband.” Phil turned and walked away, leaving Pepper blushing bright red at the images his words brought to mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Natasha was the first to apologize. In typical Natasha fashion, Clint never even saw her. She simply left a full bottle of her favorite Russian vodka on the bedside table. Clint smiled as he caught sight of it and went to find her for a round of sparring. When Clint’s back hit the mat, she knew she was forgiven; Clint would never lose if he was still mad at her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bruce was the next to apologize, although, technically it was Hulk who did the apologizing. After a rough battle against Hydra agents with stolen Chitauri weapons, Hulk ambled up to the archer, “Hulk no like little guy. Little guy make Cupid sad. Hulk sorry Cupid sad. Hulk like Cupid. Cupid, friend. Little guy sorry too.” 

Clint smiled up at the Hulk, “No problem Jade-Jaws, let the little guy know it’s all good.” The Hulk smiled and swept Clint up in a hug, causing the other Avengers to burst out laughing. 

When Hulk finally put Clint down, Steve put a hand on the archer’s shoulder. Before Steve could say a word, Clint put a hand over his, “It’s alright Cap, I know what you want to say and I just have to say that I get why you talked to me about it. I know you were just worried about losing someone else, I just don’t really know how a real relationship is supposed to work sometimes. Phil helps with that though.” Steve smiled sadly at Clint’s admission but moved his hand as they joined the rest of the team.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Thor came to Clint a few hours later, “Eye of Hawk! I wish to apologize for my words. I wished to slay a great monster and deliver unto you it’s visage but I was told that was an unwise course of action.” 

Clint grinned, “Thanks big guy, and really it’s not a big deal, no need to go slaying monsters.” 

Thor smiled brightly, “It is as you wish, friend Clint.” 

Clint patted Thor on the arm, “What do you say we get some pizza?” 

Thor practically beamed at the suggestion, “Yes! It is quite the Midgardian delicacy, there is nothing like it on Asgard.” Clint smiled as he asked JARVIS to order pizza.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tony was the last to come to Clint. Tony awkwardly placed the package in front of Clint who raised a questioning eyebrow. After a moment of silence, Clint opened the box to see three arrows, all slightly different. Tony pointed to the first, “This is a new exploding arrow, different compounds. It’s more stable and has a bigger blast radius. The second one is a taser arrow; I figure your husband will get a kick out of that one. It will incapacitate any human target on contact and should last for a good three to five minutes.” Tony paused before pointing at the last arrow, “This one is an EMP arrow, it will bring down anything electronic within two yards. It’s activated when the arrow hits its target.” 

Clint looked at the arrow for a moment, thinking of the significance of the gift. Tony had just given him a weapon that, if Clint felt the inclination, could be used against him considering that Tony never half-assed anything and the arrow could potentially disrupt functions of the Iron Man armor. 

Tony waved a dismissive hand when Clint opened his mouth, “Try those out and if you like them I can have a bunch made in no time.” Tony left and Clint picked up the box and headed off to his room where he found his husband. Clint showed him the arrows and briefly explained, causing Phil to raise an eyebrow at the EMP arrow before he took the box and set it on the dresser. 

Phil smiled as he climbed back in the bed and on top of Clint, “They care about you, I do too.” 

Clint leaned up and kissed Phil, briefly but passionately. Clint smiled as Phil removed both of their shirts, “I know you do, now shut up and fuck me.” Phil happily obliged.

**Author's Note:**

> Clint is a bit OOC, but oh well. Oh and a Hafgufa is a sea monster in Norse mythology, so ya know.


End file.
